We've done a lot of research as we've put together this section. In particular, we've been reading a lot about parenting styles.
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Have you considered whether your parenting style was better suited to yesterday than to preparing your child for the twenty-first century?
Are you an authoritarian parent? This parent values obedience. Commanding the child what to do and what not to do, rules are clear and unbending. The parent pours the "right" information into the child who is considered an empty vessel. Misbehavior is strictly punished.
Predominant for most of Western history, authoritarian parenting is effective in societies experiencing little change and accepting one way to do things, for example in agrarian-industrial societies. A master teacher (often the parent) instructs the child on each act (such as sow the seeds and weed the fields). The child learns by imitating the expert. This style mismatches a rapidly changing society which values choice and innovation. Rebellion often results from strict punishment. Spanking, which models violence as a solution to problems, is contradictory in a society which claims to value peaceful solutions. And children raised to follow the "expert" easily copy anyone, including undesirable peers.
Are you a permissive parent? Popular in the 1950's and 60's, this style was a reaction to the horrors of whole nations following the dictators in Word War II. Instead of following, children are encouraged to think for themselves, avoid inhibitions, and not value conformity. Parents take a "hands-off" approach, allowing children to learn from the consequences of their actions. Misbehavior is usually ignored.
Although those raised in this style are creative and original, they often have trouble living in a highly populated community as well as fitting into the work-force. Ignoring misbehavior gives no information about expected behavior. With no intervention, the bully wins, while the passive child loses, a perfect set-up to be a victim in later life. Aggressive patterns become ingrained when children are not guided to find acceptable ways to get desires met.
Unlike the child-oriented 50's and 60's where one consistent adult was available to patiently guide self-discovery to the consequences of actions, today's society is fast-paced with a multitude of adults playing into the child's life each week. Without clear limits, children get confused, feel insecure, and can make poor choices.
Are you an assertive-democratic parent? These parents establish basic guidelines for children. Clarifying issues, they give reasons for limits. Learning to take responsibility is a high priority. Children are given lots of practice in making choices and guided to see the consequences of those choices. Misbehavior is handled with an appropriate consequence or by problem-solving with the child to find an acceptable way to get desires met. Out-of-control children have "cool-off" time, not punishment. Children are part of deciding how to make amends when someone are something has been hurt. Assertive-democratic parenting is the best for today's fast-changing information age where choice is constant and there is no longer just one "right" way. Children raised by this style learn to accept responsibility, make wiser choices, cope with change, and are better equipped to succeed in a work-force which relies on cooperative problem-solving.
How were you raised? And do you think your parenting is a continuation of how you were raised, a reaction to it, or completely different?
__________________ David
Co-Founder of DailyHealth.net
I am definitely the case of a reactive parent. My parents were military strict. As a result, I think I was a bit to laissez-faire in my technique. Over time, I've definitely become firmer. But for a long time, I know I didn't set enough boundaries. In spite of that, I think my kids are coping. My eldest son definitely could use a bit more discipline, but he's happy and can be focused when he wants to. It's hard to tell whether his mixed focus is a result of my parenting or if that's just the way he was born.
Both my girls are now grown women and I know by watching my daughter with her kids that things sure have changed since the 70's and 80's! I don't know what type parent I was, but I'm proud to say both kids turned out great - we are truly blessed and couldn't ask for better kids....(okay I have to go cry now).
Seriously though - when we needed to discipline them, we did. But I also like to think that we were also democratic with them. My parents were very authoritarian...
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance,
and friendship,
he learns to find LOVE in the world.
I first read that poem many years ago, and have always tried to follow it as I bring up my boys. As a result, I have 2 happy, confident, well-adjusted, well-behaved, caring, and full-of-fun kids! It worked!
Mandy I love that Poem,we have it up in our office.
I was bought up very strictly.My sister was 10 years older than me,and left home when I was 9,moving to the East coast,so I was very much like an only child in my teenage years.I was not allowed to go far and boyfriends were a no,no.Needless to say,it didn't stop me.
I decided I would not be so strict with my kids.I was quite a firm mum when they were little,and I think that paid off.As they got into their teens,I allowed them to have the occasional drink,as I think if you forbid it,they will only do it on the sly,and start binge drinking.Neither of my kids are big drinkers,James has had a little 3 month experiment but has decided he doesn't really enjoy it.I think my way of parenting has paid of,and I have to sensible well adjusted kids.
Last edited by Nixo; 01-11-2008 at 03:56 PM.
Reason: Spelling
I'm definitely assertive-democratic, but I might have a touch of authoritarian in me and I feel like my parents raised me the same way. They were strict, but never super authoritative. They let me make mistakes and learn my lessons from those mistakes, however, if I blatantly disregarded them I was punished. I don't spank, however I have swatted her hand if she was about to stick her finger in the light socket or something. Otherwise, I'm a time-out kind of mom but I have little tolerance for misbehaving. Ellie is VERY strong willed and we battle for who's in charge. I have to stay a step ahead of her at all times or she would be running my household!!!!
my kidlet is as stubborn as a mule.......... which proves the nut doesn't fall far from the tree
it's sorta sad when grandma comes over and gets into fights with him because SHE wants things done HER way, and kidlet wants to do things HIS way
but, c'est la vie
hopefully he learns from it
i give in to him all too often, he knows i'm a soft touch when it comes to him, but he also knows when i stand my ground that he better back off because i won't either!
lol
Mandy, I had not seen that poem before. I LOVE it! Thanks so much for posting it. My parents were assertive-democratic and my wife and I were as well. My son and his wife are assertive-democratic with their children. I am pleased to see that. My wife's parents were authoritarian to the extreme and it has affected her personality in a profound manner. She has become just the opposite of her parents in so many ways. Together we melded and we are definitely assertive-democratic. Our sons are wonderful , kind people.
Well, I was raised midway between assertive-democratic and authoritarian.
I raised my son somewhere between assertive-democratic and permissive.
Josh turned 30 today. He's a fabulous man. But he and I both had troubled teens. (We dropped out of the same high school!)
I think he's progressed and grown more than me, comparatively. Each generation improves, they say, and it's true with him.
I look forward (boy do I!) to seeing what his parenting style will be.
How cool...we studied this in school this semester. Since I am not a parent, I dont have a style. But in my house its authoritarian parent, or as I call it, High control, low warmth meaning high expectations and low love.
